To do or not to do

Back then in secondary school, there was a time when I hated Kerja Cuti Terancang (year-end holiday homework that should be passed to the new homeroom teacher at the beginning of the new term). What am I saying, I've never once liked any homework that would take up my precious holiday moments. But there was this one particular batch of homework which I swore to myself not to do a single thing about it; I think this was during my rebellious stage of teenage hood. I even made a few of my friends do the same, which makes me wonder now about how amazing my persuasive skills had been. Now back to my story, when the new term started, and teachers began to be busy collecting homework, while making a head count of how many students were naughty and nice, I began to have a change in heart. I remembered this karangan BM that we had to write, and despite all pledge and oath of the rebellion commitee, I started to write one whole page of essay (which was still considered short). I could not remember what ignited my student enthusiasm so suddenly; perhaps the teacher was frightening (but as far as my memory could recall, my BM teachers were all nice), or perhaps I was just an impulsive person as I am now; but I finished the essay in about..5? 10 minutes? Don't be amazed, just don't. Because I wrote in anything that my brain could offer at that time, and my handwriting was...well, horrendous. And then one friend came by, looked at my piece, and bluntly said something like, "kalau buat cincai macam ni baik takyah buat langsung." Jokingly, and with a smirk. I ignored those remarks back then, but I think the effect was postponed until just now. When I was about to surrender and flip off every bit of pushing force I have in myself to survive this week of torture, I suddenly remembered those words. And that muka mintak pukul. If I didn't remember them, I would probably have told myself to sleep for two days straight without preparing for the long case exam on Thursday, and just type whatever nonsense I can create in the case summaries that I have to submit this Friday. Well that would be a waste wouldn't it? 

Anyway, as for the friends that I had betrayed, they're still friends with me :) they really love me unconditionally, don't they?

I wrote a long paragraph but I deleted them all just because I felt like it. :D

Anyway, I just finished painting the background of a poster that I wished to stick onto the walls of my new hostel room in Klang, but I would take probably a few more days to achieve the ambitious image that I have in mind. 

I am just willing to put in that effort so that throughout my clinical years that I am about to begin, after any ups or downs that I may face, I may remind myself of who I am when I look at the painting. Because time might change a person, they say.
(The above paragraph sounds so miserable, but believe me, I am writing with a lot of enthusiasm..ahaha)

Please pray that I won't stumble and fall. You're the best. :)

Life Is A Brief Candle (?)

Knowing since little that I would never become younger as years pass by, neither am I another case of Benjamin Button, I always feel that it is a waste to just let myself rot by age without doing anything memorable. I was born a free-spirit, or maybe I raised myself as one, so if one who grows up being a conservative person is allowed to conform to the norm, I don't see why I should do the same all the time. I am inclined to do things out of the blue, but most of the time, my days are as monotonous as ever. So occasionally, when I act by impulse, those are the times when I need to feed my needs, being the person that I am.

One of the biggest things that I've always dreamed of doing is travelling solo. *but you're a girl* *it's really dangerous, you know* *what if anything happens?* What if. What if. Do you realise that all those what ifs are a clumped fragment of your imagination, that becomes the sole reason why people are always too afraid to move forward? Yes, yes, I am reasonable and realistic enough to understand that the world is not a safe place to live in, more so a place to go hanging around by yourself. But do you think it's fair that not only that the thugs out there are taking away your feeling of safety, but also snatching off your opportunity to really see the world? Number one rule: Be safe. That's the guideline.

I can imagine myself taking a bus to the airport, board a plane to an island, arrive at night, go to a cheap chalet by the beach but being told that they're fully booked (there must be some drama), ask for directions for any nearby chalet, got a place in a cheap-but-looks-safe chalet, in the morning rent a bike for a day and explore the island and have light-hearted conversations with the islanders (without exposing so much of myself), watch sunset in the evening, and at the end of the day, telling myself that I should do this more often.

Just imagining that assures me that I would surely learn a lot from that experience, and I really did. It happened last September. Right after my afternoon lectures on a Friday, I took my backpack and made my move (nothing was booked except for the flight tickets which I bought a month earlier out of the craving to feel free). I don't think I need to tell the whole story here, but one thing for sure, it was something worth telling my future grandchildren, insyaAllah. And Allah made sure from the very beginning that I was safe, thank you Allah :)

I plan on only going for local travels for now, but insyaAllah, if all goes well, I hope to go across the globe after graduation :D

Gullible

Gullibility has been deemed as a thing to laugh about nowadays. 

Marked as "lurus bendul", gullible people, have become a laughing stock to the people who seek any chance of preying on them.

What makes some people gullible? They are the people who always see the good in others. Who could see the tiniest bit of light, even when others couldn't. 

But because of that some people have been taken control by their own selfishness, they saw these gullible group of people as the bottom liners of the food chain, while assuming that they're at the top. They were the reason why people became more suspicious of each other, producing more and more pessimistic minds.

And now seeing good in others has become a joke of the century.

Beneath it All

Ramadhan this year feels very gloomy. 

Who would disagree, seeing how multiple disasters strike us Muslims in one big blow. 

"Big blows" might be more precise to refer to what our poor Palestenians are going through.

Not enough with that, MH17 went down to pieces after being shot down.

Those are trials. Fret not,

Our beloved Prophet (S.A.W.) said "Know that with patience comes victory" (Tirmidhi)

and Allah told us in the Quran "Indeed, the patient will be given their reward without account" 39:10

although how difficult the hurdles are, insyaAllah, let us Muslims have faith in Allah, because He will recompensate our patience with something much better. 

:) 

Be strong, my brothers and sisters.

Sanggup tak awak putuskan tali layang-layang tu?

Kadang-kadang kita fikir kita dah berjaya move on.

Move on daripada crush yang awak ada dekat cikgu tusyen adik awak.

Move on daripada kesedihan melampau bila ikan emas awak mati kena flush, bukan kena flush sebab mati.

Move on daripada kekecewaan bila kawan baik awak dah tak bagi awak kad raya macam setiap tahun tapi dia cuma hantar "salam aidilfitri" kat whatsapp yang boleh hantar secara free.

Tapi betul-betul lepas kita rasa kita dah move on tulah, kadang-kadang kita diduga. Untuk tengok sejauh mana kita betul-betul dah lepaskan sesuatu tu. 

Masa tulah bila kita nak lupakan sesuatu, benda tu datang balik elok-elok depan mata kita. 

Kalau pendirian kita kuat, kita dah tak kisah, sebab kita dah lama lepaskan pegangan kat sesuatu perkara tu.

Tapi kalau lepas kita diduga tu, kita masih rasa connected dengan sesuatu perkara tu, memang sebenarnya terbukti yang dari awal kita tak move on pun sebenarnya.

Harini saya diduga. Benda yang saya tak jangka. Tapi harini saya tau yang saya betul-betul dah lama move on. 

The Future's So Scary What Can I Do?

I need to study because I want to become a doctor. 

That sounds very demotivating to me, I don't know why. Probably because of how cliche it sounded.

But sometimes I do have a thought that perhaps because I am one of the generation that will once have to replace Tun Mahathir, Dato' Seri Najib, Zety Aziz, Dato' Seri Hishammuddin, you get what I mean, perhaps that is why I have to hold this pen and these uninviting books. Probably it's because we still can't see that coming, because we're still lazying around in our comfort zone, probably that's why we're slacking off. We feel like we're still kids, so we don't have to meddle in with the adults. Music shows are more tempting than talks about global issues, I agree. 

But when the thing that we dread most comes, when our country is on the verge of crumbling. What if it comes faster than expected, for the sake of protecting what we love, who we love, we would definitely step in to fight. But with our current condition, the question is, what do we fight with? The vague knowledge that we have? I'm being frank here, with my current knowledge, if we put in percentage, the amount of knowledge that may enable me to help my country is..well, close to zero. Realizing that just makes me want to slap my own face. Not literally. What have I been doing for these past 21 years? Oh. I have the answer to that. I've been taking advantage of the prosperous and peaceful life that I have. And time. Oh how much I've wasted that.

The first thing that has got to change is. My attitude.

The first thing that has got to go is. My laziness. Which is stuck like glue to me.