An attachment is an act of handing out one end of a ribbon to someone while you are holding the other end. A person might be very comfortable with attachments, and another person might feel very insecure. While one might have a bundle of ribbons to hand out to everyone, the next person might only have three. That's why he's choosing very carefully of who he's going to trust those ribbons to. And to make matters more complex, the one with rolls of ribbons might eventually stop giving out so much ribbons because he wrongly chose ribbon-keepers who took advantage of his generousity and cut the ribbons in the end.
The ribbon may represent trust, time, money, effort, or everything all together, that depends on how you see it. But how twisted an attachment can be, scares another person, whose amount of ribbons, well, is not very important.

Dots of light

Do you believe that my 1st Semester break is....none at all? Yes, our last paper was on last Thursday, and we got to enjoy the three remaining days before the new semester began today. Students from other courses were like doing a somersault into a lake and we were like only dipping our toes in before somebody out of nowhere dragged us back to the real world. Or maybe it was like a situation where a friend of mine from the Science Faculty asked me to do skydiving together, and when we started to jump off the airplane, I only got a slight rush of wind before I opened my eyes and found that I was in my lab holding a microscope doing another stool observation.

Oh well, I'm not here to complain, we already knew about the "all-work-and-no-play" semester from our seniors last year. So, let's just live with it.

Last Friday night, for the first time, my friends and I went to watch fireflies at Kampung Kuantan. I missed that chance when I was in KUSESS, so there I was, gazing at the admirable beauty of God's creations. I had hoped to see stars in the sky a few nights before, but it happened to be whether the cloudy sky was envious of the little darlings' radiance, or the jewels themselves were anti-social. But when I got to see the fireflies, my wish was granted alhamdulillah... (not around any orbit, that is), they were beautiful masyaAllah..the guy who rowed our boat let us catch a few and put them on our palms, but I was scared that they were so fragile and I might hurt them. And I'd like to share with you any photo of them if I did have any, but sadly I don't, they didn't look good in a photo (I pity your non-photogenic selves, little ones).

I wish to see fireflies again some other time, if I have the chance, :)

Anyway, now that a new semester is beginning, I wish for refreshing days ahead :D

Bengang sikit. Maaf.

Funny. And annoying at the same time. 
So the results for the continuous assessment tests have been out and I did so poorly for all subjects, with a collection of different grades (count from the bottom, not from the top haha).
Must I give an excuse for it? Hmm let me think. (About who or what I should put the blame on)

1. It's a negative-marking assessment. My hentam skills couldn't really be put to a good use here. 
2. I basically read most of the parasitology and pharmacology notes for the first time on the day before the two tests. Reading seemed faster than memorizing, aaand I couldn't even finish reading the last three lectures for each of those subjects. 
3. I had to attend the Annual General Meeting for a project that I'm in on the night before the Parasitology and Pharmacology tests. And prepare the presentation slides.
4. The amount of the bacteria, viruses and fungi in Molecular Microbiology was killing me. 

Secara terang-terangan, alasan je semua tu. Aku tau, sebab tu sebenarnya aku salahkan diri sendiri, sebab study last minit sangat-sangat (kecuali Pathology lah, sebab aku suka Pathology, cumanya markah teruk jugak, tapi kira okaylah sebab soalan yang aku kantoi tu yang aku tak habis baca).

But something really bothers me, so much that I've decided to blog again, right? Haha. The results were out according to our matrics number, and in Parasitology my grade was among the lowest, you see. Some people asked me what my grade was, and when I told them they looked at me with such pity that it was so obvious I felt like it was a tragedy equivalent to my cat dying. In the beginning when I saw my grades, I was really positive, telling myself that I would work really harder for the big upcoming final exam. But when they did that, they somehow made me feel like I was really incapable of doing so.
Much worse was when a guy suddenly came to me after I had just finished my dinner, and he asked me what my grades were for Para and Pharmaco (MMB's result were not out yet). He said he already knew about my Parasitology grade, and he even mentioned that I was among the lowest. (Please don't imagine him as a mean guy, because I'm afraid I'm giving a bad impression of him, he was just asking me maybe with a good intention.) 

Probably hating these people is not a good thing to do, but I totally feel uneasy with their attitudes. This test is 5%, it's not that small, I know, but if I fail this one, it doesn't mean that I'd fail the final exam. But that kind of look they're giving me, the way they talked to me, really deteriorate my motivation.

So what should I do? Motivate myself to excel in order to prove something to them?
Naah..
Niat salah tu, study sebab nak tunjuk kat orang...
Jadi disebabkan apa yang diorang buat tu xleh nak dikategorikan sebagai "constructive comments", pasang earphone, pandang jauh ke depan, and do what we do best. 

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim,

Ya Allah,
aku berdoa supaya Allah lapangkan dadaku dan Syatrah untuk menerima ilmu-Mu,
dan supaya kami berjaya amalkan ilmu Mu dengan niat dan cara yang betul,
dan aku berdoa supaya kecemerlangan yang Allah kurniakan kami akan menjadikan kami insan-insan yang lebih baik di sisiMu.
Amin.
:)

Rather than striving to be what I wish to be in 10 years time, 

I should start striving to be a better me every day,

Rather than gathering books about what I should learn,

Why not I seek knowledge about everything, some of this and some of that,

Rather than trying to be someone liked by people,

Why not I be somebody I, myself can love unconditionally.

Time is powerful enough to change a person.

Thank you time, you've done me a great favor.

Comfort Zone

Assalamualaikum,

A LOT has happened, in which a book cannot summarize it all. A lot of changes, that's for sure, starting with my writing skills becoming rusticated -.-

Just two semesters of being an undergraduate, much precisely, a medical student, I feel like I've traveled through a totally different dimension. The safe zone that I was lazing in comfortably once is there no more. For the very first time in my life, I felt what it was like to be waaaay far behind the comfort zone for a long period of time. Insecurity, vulnerability, inferiority, you name it..in terms of studies, I always felt like I was a tiny little skittle lying on a busy road waiting to be crushed. Let's just say I was a late-bloomer and I did awfully in my first semester (plus being overly-distracted), and my 2nd semester results were better, but put them together, and so I was within 1 % more mark to pass my first year. Not that I didn't pass, anyway. We, who they called the "borderline students" were informed on Monday for an oral test which would take place on the very next day. Objectively, it was a hand reaching out from our lecturers to take us one step ahead. They wanted to observe us whether they should pass us or not. Alhamdulillah, Allah eased my ways and I passed my first year! Yay for me~

For my friends who didn't pass, I really hope they'd be in high spirits for their supplementary classes. I really really believe they'd do great. People who don't understand really underestimate these guys. Believe me, all of them are really smart, and most are some of the cleverest kids I've ever known. One of them taught me Calculus during my pre-U..it's all about timing. Please, dear Allah, please ease my friends so that all of us may enter second year of med school together. Amiin...

Photography isn't just photography..there's more to it than that..just like there's more to life than how much we expect there is. 

Throughout these almost 2 decades, all the way from those large bulky cameras to digital cams, to low-quality phone cams, to instax, then GoPros and DSLRs, after all those times that I've been clicking the magic button, I figured out that the term "Picture Perfect" is overrated. 

I had been awed by the beauty and perfection of the art that came out after a single touch, but then I figured out that that is artificial. Because what's in the photo is prettier that the real sight.

The real deal is, when I snap a shot, but no matter how many times I change the angle, or brightness, or adjust the aperture or whatever, I would never be mesmerized by the picture in the camera just as I've been mesmerized by looking at it with my own eyes. When those moments come, I would usually just put my camera down and just take all the perfection in with all my senses and hope that it'll stay in my memory.

Here are a few photos from a few years back that I had rescued from myspace. 

 I miss being there, although it was only a pedestrian walk (wasn't even a park haha), but I just felt some connection back then. How I love the simple days.

Back to studying, lalala

Something's wrong

Finals is coming in 3 weeks and lately I'm still doing this..

Reminder to self: 

1. Remember how many years you have strived to get into med school.

2. Remember the feelings when you first got accepted into med school.

3. Allah didn't put you here for no reason. You are here, at this time, with a purpose.

4. Remember why you chose this path in the first place, the very first time it got into this heart of yours when it was still so tiny.

5. Compare yourself with your previous self, not with other people.

6. Don't lose yourself. 

What's actually worrying me is, I can't seem to find the determined side of me that I had sometime ago.